Shitty DVD Covers of the Week - Princess of Mars

Highlights of 2009

GEOFF JOHN'S BLACKEST NIGHT

What Geoff John's did with this Green Lantern story is nothing short of spectacular. Better than anything hollywood had to offer!

I LOVE YOU, MAN

This has to be my favorite comedy of the year! Paul Rudd is brilliant!

STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS
Even though this series began in 2008, the Bluray release of season 1 was stunning and great fun. Star Wars as a Serial!!

COMMUNITY

Each episode is better than the previous. The Office and 30 Rock are getting a bit on the stale side and Community is a great shot to the arm that my Thursday Night Comedies need!!

UNCHARTED 2: AMONG THIEVES There is a reason why this won VGA's game of the year. It is absolutely amazing. I would lend it out to friends with PS3s, if the online multi-player wasn't so damn fun!!

LOST: THE FIFTH SEASON
Time Travel + LOST = a surprisingly easy to follow narrative!! Best show on television!!

NEW SUPER MARIO BROS. Wii

Classic gameplay and enough bells and whistles to keep you interested. New Super Mario Bros. Wii is a great addition to the side scrolling franchise!! Now i just need the Sonic Team to get the ball rolling!!

MICHAEL GIACCHINO: UP/STAR TREK

Michael Giacchino continues to impress. He put out another great season of scoring LOST and his score to Land of the Lost was really fun (even though the movie disappointed). Star Trek and Up have to be my favorite scores of the year and Giacchino continues to climb the ranks of my favorite film composers currently working!!

DISTRICT 9

Hands Down my favorite film of the year. It has some familiar themes, but takes them and makes them their own. Never have i considered an asshole, good for nothing, racist, alien aborting, low-life, lackey a complete badass!! Wikus is a tortured soul who deserves every minute of hell that the MNU and Alien "Prawns" have to offer!! Yet you feel bad for him. Fantastic Film!!!

Holiday Favorites

DIE HARD
I love that someone decided to take the classic christmas story of a man who visits his estranged family for the holidays, only to reconnect with them in the end, then fill it with violence! Die Hard is probably the best Action Packed Holiday Classic!! The only other action/christmas movie that i can think of is Die Hard 2, which i find just as entertaining. Not a single christmas should go by without watching Die Hard!

THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE
When i say Holiday Favorites, i am not saying it because it is "P.C." to include all holidays, but rather, i use Holidays to say that there are some good New Year's Eve movies out there too and none are better than The Poseidon Adventure!! There are a ton of remakes of this classic, but all of them pale in comparison. The SS Poseidon has just capsized and it is up to Gene Hackman to escort the passengers and crew to the bottom of the ship which is now the top of the ship! A giant metal christmas tree is the perfect place to start this dangerous trek!

A CHRISTMAS STORY
I don't remember a holiday season when i didn't watch A Christmas Story. I don't know when this huge Christmas Story resurgence happened but i kind of like it. I don't mind that there are now a billion products out there with leg lamps on them, because no matter how commercial it has become, when i sit down and watch the movie, it still feels like a quiet intimate movie that reminds me of Christmas Past.

ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE
It is no coincidence that George Lazenby graces every 007 calendar on December. No, it's not because they just threw him in at the end. It's because On Her Majesty's Secret Service takes place during the Christmas season. I have to watch this movie every christmas and i am pretty sure i am a better person because of it. Nothing says Merry Christmas, like bullet in your new bride's head!

CQ
CW is one of my favorite films. In fact, it is in my Top 10. This film does not have many holiday themes in it, but it does take place from December 20th through the New Year between 1969 and 1970, which is enough for me to watch it this time of year.

KISS KISS BANG BANG
This movie is a full on Christmas Film. If you haven't seen this movie and are tired of the same old Holiday fare, i recommend this action, adventure buddy detective comedy! Val Kilmer and Robert Downey Jr are incredibly funny and Michelle Monaghan is great! This is my favorite new holiday classic and have watched it every Christmas since it hit home video.

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - Lightworkers and the Archangel Michael

Mad Libs Monday - How to Enjoy Yourself on the Beach

When you go to the beach, you must take along a big blanket, a thermos bottle full of piss, lots of suntan fags, and a couple of folding sybians. Then you put on your condoms so you can get a beautiful diareah-brown to last you all summer.

You also should have a big hat to keep the sun off your horse cock. If you want exercise, you can find some shits to play volleyball with. Volleyball is America’s favorite hairless game.

You can also bring a shitty lunch, such as hard-boiled dongs, a few penis fish sandwiches with mustard, and some bottles of knuckle-cunt cola.

If you remember all of the above and get a place near a dope-ass lifeguard, you can sunbathe swimingly all day.

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - Now That's Weird

Mad Libs Monday - A Letter to a Friend Back Home

Dear Hairless Bill,
Well, here we are at the fucked Seaside Hotel in your mom's garage. The weather is shit soaked and the temperature is one degrees. Our hotel room looks out onto a garden filled with piss salad trees and tropical homies.

The natives are all farty and spend their time blowing and riding their fucks through the streets. Most of them only speak fucking chinese, but I can communicate by making signs with my hairless gash.

The local food is really shaved. Mostly they eat skanky burritos and refried hairy coleslaw. Our hotel only costs a hundred rump-humpers a day. We are going to spend the week horning and then come home.

Wish you were here.

Ralph-

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - Money

Mad Libs Monday - Driving in the Car

Last summer for a vacation, my dad drove us to the fuck house. Our car is a 2012 sedan with three trillion doors and a hung motor. We started out at sunrise. My mom and dad spent all night shape shifting the house and ovulating the car so we could get an early start.

My dad took his golf fun bags and my mom took her tennis spunk. I took my dog, Hairless Bob. The dog and I and my little horny sister sat in the back. My dad was the driver, and as he came out of the driveway he ran into a fart and dented a tampon. My mom said, “Why don’t you pay attention and watch where you are stroking?”

After another trillion hours, we stopped to stroke at a shit covered plant. The shit covered plant was horrible, and this got my dad masterbating again.

After driving swimmingly in this manner for two days, we finally arrived here and have been having a really storied time.

The Living Daylights

Alright, now we're fucking talking!! After 12 old years of Roger Moore it is now time to kick things into high gear! Mr. Timothy "Prince Barin" Dalton is the new James Bond and he is here to kick as and take names, without raising a single eyebrow! T-Dalt is my third favorite actor in the role of 007 and this is the best of his two outings.

The Living Daylights marks the third time that the producers of the 007 films had decided to go back to Fleming's roots. The first act of the movie follows Ian Fleming's short story The Living Daylights, then expands on it into an awesome action adventure. Even though Timothy Dalton brought a tough edge to 007, the movie is still littered with awesome gadgets and stunts!

The pre title sequence is a great opening to a bond film, in which a training exercise at Gibraltar goes south and 007 is thrown into an epic battle that ends with him parachuting from a jeep. Yes, you heard me. He parachutes from a jeep!!

The Stunts in this movie are so fantastic and even though it is 22 years old, it still has my favorite end fight sequence of any 007 film. It involves Bond vs. Necros hanging from a giant cargo net that is swinging off the back of a huge airplane. It's so badass.

Everything about this movie is great. This also marks the final film scored by John Barry. He puts forth an incredible effort! The Living Daylights is my third favorite Bond film and even though it happens to be the first 007 movie i had ever seen, it is not a bias opinion. This movie ROCKS!!

This movie attempted to do what the Daniel Craig films did, as far as rebooting the franchise and bringing Fleming's Bond back to the big screen. I just don't think the good folks of 1987 were quite ready for it.

If you haven't seen this movie yet, do yourself a favor and bump it to the top of your Netflix queue and watch it!!!

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Blarg Sketchbook - "Sloth"

My friend Justin Shady has a website called THE BLARG. For the last few months he has been doing a feature called "Sketchbook". Justin sends out a key word or phrase to contributers, who use it as inspiration to show off their artistic talent. This month's phrase was "Sloth".

CHECK OUT my piece titled "Untitled" and let me know what you think!

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - Aaron...Albeit a Sex Hero

Mad Libs Monday - Vacation

A vacation is when you take a trip to some fucked place with your shitty family. Usually you go to some place that is near a hairy beanbag or up on a tit. A good vacation place is one where you can ride shit beetles or play hide and fuck or go hunting for poo poos. I like to spend my time horse fucking or butt fucking.

When parents go on a vacation, they spend their time eating three big ol titties a day, and fathers play golf, and mothers sit around jerking. Last summer, my little brother fell in an ass and got poison Venus ball trap all over his huge testicles. My family is going to go to a whore house, and I will practice fellating.

Parents need vacations more than kids because parents are always very fucked and because they have to work a billion and 69 hours every day all year making enough assholes to pay for the vacation.

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - Dinosaur Valley Girls

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - Thankskilling

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - Near Dark

This is a pretty good movie. I hate vampires, especially "new vampires" and they just took something descent and made a shit ass cover. This is not the worse cover this week, but the principle of turning it into a "Twilight" cover is the shitty!

Clone Wars: Season 1 - Blu-ray Review

It's pretty well known that I like Star Wars. I really like the universe and mythology. Even though the prequels were not the greatest of motion pictures, I definitely like that the Star Wars universe has been opened up with more technology, life forms, droids and locations.

The thing that i noticed from the prequels is that George Lucas has an active imagination and his team of artists and technicians treat the series with great affection. If you put the Star Wars universe in someone else's hands, they take care of it better than George Lucas would ever do. He is full of imagination, but does not have that filter that us fans would have.

When i first heard that they were making a Clone Wars series, i had pretty much dismissed it as a children's show and decided that it was going to be a cartoon made for those kids from the prequel era of Star Wars. Last Christmas i received the "theatrical Clone Wars" on blu ray. I watched it and thought it was really boring. It sort of doused any flicker of hope that i had for Star Wars.

But for some reason i decided to set the Tivo to record an episode of the series and i have to tell you, this is actually a really good show. There are moments that are definitely geared towards the younger set, but the great thing is that the people behind the show try to filter out some of the more questionable aspects of the prequels and make them more "classic" friendly. There is a lot of dialogue in the series which are lifted directly from the original trilogy. There is also a lot of technology and creatures that bridge the gap between the classic and prequel trilogies. And thankfully you don't have to watch too many episodes before it starts catering to those who have given up on Star Wars.

Thanks to this show bridging the gap between episode II and III, it really makes those two films a little bit better. It adds weight and dimension to some of those characters you only get to see briefly in the films.

Last week i received the entire first season on Blu ray for only $34.99 on Amazon, which is an absolute STEAL for what you get. The Blu Rays are packed with extras, including director's cuts, featurettes for each episode as well as artwork for the series. The packaging is amazing. The discs come in a booklet filled with amazing artwork from the series. The footage looks incredible in 1080 and really shows off the great "painted" style of the series.

Anyone who was into Star Wars at one time in their life, only to be let down by the prequels, this is a great way to feel like a kid again. These are Star Wars in the literal sense and it is great seeing World War 2 type of warfare set in the Star Wars universe and Blu Ray is the only way to watch these! Finally, it's Star Wars in Saturday Morning Serial Form!!

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Some of My Favorite Films

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
32. Alien
33. Top Secret!
34. Six String Samurai
35. Brazil
36. Big Trouble in Little China
37. Summer School
38. Unbreakable
39. Dead Alive
40. Planet of the Apes
41. District 9

A View to a Kill

For the last few 007 reviews, i have mentioned how OLD Roger Moore was. This review is no different. HOLY MOSES! This dude is like a human prune, and apparently is just as sexy as he was in 1973 when he did Live and Let Die. Even though Roger Moore is super fucking old looking, it does not compare to how fucking old Lois "Ms. Moneypenny" Maxwell looks. Watching these two interact is like watching Q's balls slapping together between his old wrinkly legs!

So anyway, James Bond is thrown into another globe trotting adventure that takes him around the world that he must save. This movie has to be, in my opinion, the worse 007 movie ever! There is only two things in this movie that actually stand out. Christopher Walken and Patrick Macnee. Walken is a total badass and Macnee is probably the greatest of Bond's sidekicks.

Everything else in the movie is pretty sucky. Grace Jones and Tanya Roberts are the shittiest pair of Bond Girls to ever be put in the same movie. Grace Jones is just too fucking weird to be hot and Tanya Roberts is absolutely ANNOYING! There is not a single stunt that stands out. The "Beach Boys" song at the beginning is atrocious.

I honestly do not want to go on about this movie, but the crappy blue-screen climax on the Golden Gate Bridge is the final nail in the boring coffin. James Bond films are great because they are escapism at their finest, but going to San Francisco is something that i can do on any given weekend.

The best thing about A View to a Kill, that it marks the 3rd time that the Bond producers decided to reevaluate the direction of the franchise. It happened after You Only Live Twice and Moonraker and i could not be happier to be saying goodbye to Roger Moore who peaked two movies prior and move on to a more grittier Fleming Bond.

So long Mr. Moore and hello Mr. Dalton!!

★ ½

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - The Little Cars Big Adventure

Along the line of What's Up.

Halloween 2009

1. Adam Maitland
2. Carl
3. Deja Vu
4. Landfill
5. Ash
6. Michael McDonald
7. Jamie Hyneman
8. Brodie Bruce

I am usually a big fan of Halloween, but this year i feel like i could care less. For some reason i am just not motivated to figure out a costume to wear. I have 24 hours to come up with something.

Shitty DVD Covers of the Week - Off We Go Then!: Thuggin It & Lovin It: Born of Fire: I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle!!!

Could you pick which was the shittiest dvd cover that was released today? I couldn't.

Blarg Sketchbook - "Devil's Night"

My friend Justin Shady has a website called THE BLARG. For the last few months he has been doing a feature called "Sketchbook". Justin sends out a key word or phrase to contributers, who use it as inspiration to show off their artistic talent. This month's phrase was "Devil's Night".

The story behind it is sort of an inside "joke". You see Justin has not received his books that Image published for him. My piece to show why he hasn't received his package yet. CHECK OUT my piece titled Devil's Night" and let me know what you think!

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - Moonchild

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - Small-Circle Jujitsu

Take That, Moon!

I am not sure what the purpose of doing this is, but tonight NASA (Need Another Seven Astronauts) will launch some rockets at the moon to see if there is water under the surface. This is officially the most badass divining rod in the history of divining technology!

I don't know if NASA is feeling the heat of the recession or if this is their way of getting us out of it, but this sounds like the craziest plan to put our money towards. Maybe in addition to finding delicious moon water, they will find a ton of gold that will shower down on America!

OR, maybe they are using this as an excuse to "accidentally" blow up the Lunar Lander that they claim went to the moon. I am sure with all of the technology around nowadays, someone would be able to prove the moon landing hoax with a telescope purchased at any telescope outlet. This is the perfect way of NASA saying, "Oh shoot, now you won't be able to see the lunar lander that clearly went to the moon."

Either way, i can't wait to watch the video of this going down.

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - The Wildcats of St. Trinian's

Another tough decision this week!!
RUNNERS UP:
BIGFOOT
Shopping for Fangs
Dumped
Make Money Online & Work from Home
Introspective
Stretch Away Soccer Pain
The Lola Falana Show

Uncharted 2: Multiplayer Online Beta

I am not a huge video game fanatic, but every once and a while a game will come out that i am really excited about. I do not own many games, but there are a few series that i will continue to revisit. I will play any Zelda, Mario Kart, Metroid or Resistance game. I will also get into some MLB from time to time.

Right now i am really excited for the sequel to one of the best games that i have ever played on the PS3, Uncharted: Drakes Fortune! Uncharted 2: Among Thieves is coming out in ten days and i am getting really fired up! The REVIEWS for the game have been off the charts, and if you follow that link, you can see just how beautiful it looks!

Since i still have to wait about two weeks to play it, the producers of the game, Naughty Dog, have allowed us PS3 owners to download a free Multiplayer Beta for the online version of Among Thieves and it is pretty fucking fun!! I cannot wait until i get the game and unlock all of the map packs.

I highly recommend anyone who has a PS3, to check out the first Uncharted, because this is shaping up to be quite the franchise!

if you want to join me in an online campaign just be my PS3 friend:

Blarg Sketchbook - "Warm Gun"

My friend Justin Shady has a website called THE BLARG. For the last few months he has been doing a feature called "Sketchbook". Justin sends out a key word or phrase to contributers, who use it as inspiration to show off their artistic talent. This month's phrase was "Warm Gun".

My entry was Tim Gunn in a parka in the middle of a desert. I know, it's kinda corny, but i liked the way it turned out. CHECK OUT my piece titled "Hot Tim" and let me know what you think!

623 Days Left

I am sitting at work and i am bored. There is not much left for me to do here today, so i figured that i would post a blog. I really don't have much on my mind and i just read a chapter of my Green Lantern Archives and it made me think of the GL movie that is eventually going to come out.

I checked a countdown clock to see how much longer i had to wait and it looks like there is a lot of time left. I am glad that Where the Wild Things Are comes out soon and that LOST: Season 6 as well as TRON: Legacy are on the horizon! I guess we will get another Iron Man movie before then as well. Hopefully my brain can be preocupied enough so that i don't go insane by June 11, 2011.

I guess i can just keep reading all the GL related comics up until then.

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - Baby Love

This week was really tough to decide!

Are These The Greatest Pictures Ever?

...OF COURSE THEY ARE!

Octopussy

In 1983 Warner Bros. was going to release a remake of Thunderball, starring Sean Connery as James Bond. With EON productions feeling threatened by having a lesser product out, they decided to keep their established 007 actor in the role opposed to casting a new one. 1983 became the year of the Double Old Farts!

Octopussy just may be one of the least memorable outings in the entire franchise. Every time i go to watch Octopussy, i think, "Oh that's this one". Octopussy isn't that bad of a film, there is just some really questionable moments sprinkled throughout, which is strange because of how much work they did in the previous film to ground 007 in reality. Some of the most insane moments from the whole franchise happen in Octopussy, including James Bond driving a mechanical aligator, a buzzsaw yo-yo, a mechanical horse's ass, a Tarzan yell and James Bond dressed as a circus clown.

So it had been 11 years since Roger Moore had begun portraying 007 and this dude aged as poorly as a jack o' lantern. He is so gross and wrinkly that they had to recast old Maud Adams to play his love interest. He is all hunched over and it doesn't help that they put him in old people's clothes. I could be wrong, but i am pretty sure there is a point in the film where Roger Moore is wearing a Fort Lauderdale retiree one piece suit. I think that every time he throws a punch he also throws out his back. It is really embarrassing watching a "Panti-Hose Doll" trying to run around on top a train while chasing bad guys.

There is not much to say about the other characters in Octopussy. The only real stand out in the film is Vijay Amritraj, James Bond's contact in India. He is probably the most likable sidekick in any of the Bond Films and his death is probably the most heartbreaking. The girls are really 80's looking, especially Octopussy's henchwoman played by Kristina Wayborn. She is super 80's looking.

Octopussy is not a good film, but it is a hundred times better than the Sean Connery film Never Say Never Again! Thank God that Roger Moore finally stepped down from the role of 007 after Octopussy, because he was getting WAY TO FREAKING OLD!!!

Wait, what? Roger Moore will Return in A View to a Kill??

★ ★ ½

Crank: High Voltage - Blu-ray Review

I know that i did not give a favorable review for Crank: High Voltage, but i decided that i really wanted the blu-ray when it came out. I really love the characters and no matter how much the last 5 minutes was off-putting, i still liked the majority of the stuff before it. Come hell or high water i was going to force myself to be okay with Crank 2. At least this time i knew what i was in for and i have to admit that i like the movie a lot more than my original review.

The fact that the ending is so far out there sort of made me laugh this time as opposed to cocking my head like a confused dog. I started watching the extra features as soon as i put in the disc and sure enough the writers/directors Nevaldine and Taylor mentioned that ending. They said that putting it in there was a "dare". They were sure that Lionsgate would not let them do that ending. When nobody at the studio mentioned it, they just assumed that they greenlit the script without reading it. That makes perfect sense to me. It is so fucking out there.

The movie still bugs me that Chev does not recover his own heart, but i guess it allows us to spend more time with Doc Miles. Even though the story didn't have the heart that the first one did, i sort of justify it by considering that it was the directors' intent to begin with.

All in all i still love the characters and feel that i was way too harsh on the film the first time. I guess i was overhyping myself on this and to be honest the "Crankness" of this movie is definitely ramped up ten-fold this time around.

The HD looks absolutely incredible in 1080 and the features are great! It is fun watching Nevaldine/Taylor "not care" about the franchise, even though you can tell that they love it.

★ ★ ★ ¼