Shitty DVD Covers of the Week - Princess of Mars

Highlights of 2009

GEOFF JOHN'S BLACKEST NIGHT

What Geoff John's did with this Green Lantern story is nothing short of spectacular. Better than anything hollywood had to offer!

I LOVE YOU, MAN

This has to be my favorite comedy of the year! Paul Rudd is brilliant!

STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS
Even though this series began in 2008, the Bluray release of season 1 was stunning and great fun. Star Wars as a Serial!!

COMMUNITY

Each episode is better than the previous. The Office and 30 Rock are getting a bit on the stale side and Community is a great shot to the arm that my Thursday Night Comedies need!!

UNCHARTED 2: AMONG THIEVES There is a reason why this won VGA's game of the year. It is absolutely amazing. I would lend it out to friends with PS3s, if the online multi-player wasn't so damn fun!!

LOST: THE FIFTH SEASON
Time Travel + LOST = a surprisingly easy to follow narrative!! Best show on television!!

NEW SUPER MARIO BROS. Wii

Classic gameplay and enough bells and whistles to keep you interested. New Super Mario Bros. Wii is a great addition to the side scrolling franchise!! Now i just need the Sonic Team to get the ball rolling!!

MICHAEL GIACCHINO: UP/STAR TREK

Michael Giacchino continues to impress. He put out another great season of scoring LOST and his score to Land of the Lost was really fun (even though the movie disappointed). Star Trek and Up have to be my favorite scores of the year and Giacchino continues to climb the ranks of my favorite film composers currently working!!

DISTRICT 9

Hands Down my favorite film of the year. It has some familiar themes, but takes them and makes them their own. Never have i considered an asshole, good for nothing, racist, alien aborting, low-life, lackey a complete badass!! Wikus is a tortured soul who deserves every minute of hell that the MNU and Alien "Prawns" have to offer!! Yet you feel bad for him. Fantastic Film!!!

Holiday Favorites

DIE HARD
I love that someone decided to take the classic christmas story of a man who visits his estranged family for the holidays, only to reconnect with them in the end, then fill it with violence! Die Hard is probably the best Action Packed Holiday Classic!! The only other action/christmas movie that i can think of is Die Hard 2, which i find just as entertaining. Not a single christmas should go by without watching Die Hard!

THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE
When i say Holiday Favorites, i am not saying it because it is "P.C." to include all holidays, but rather, i use Holidays to say that there are some good New Year's Eve movies out there too and none are better than The Poseidon Adventure!! There are a ton of remakes of this classic, but all of them pale in comparison. The SS Poseidon has just capsized and it is up to Gene Hackman to escort the passengers and crew to the bottom of the ship which is now the top of the ship! A giant metal christmas tree is the perfect place to start this dangerous trek!

A CHRISTMAS STORY
I don't remember a holiday season when i didn't watch A Christmas Story. I don't know when this huge Christmas Story resurgence happened but i kind of like it. I don't mind that there are now a billion products out there with leg lamps on them, because no matter how commercial it has become, when i sit down and watch the movie, it still feels like a quiet intimate movie that reminds me of Christmas Past.

ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE
It is no coincidence that George Lazenby graces every 007 calendar on December. No, it's not because they just threw him in at the end. It's because On Her Majesty's Secret Service takes place during the Christmas season. I have to watch this movie every christmas and i am pretty sure i am a better person because of it. Nothing says Merry Christmas, like bullet in your new bride's head!

CQ
CW is one of my favorite films. In fact, it is in my Top 10. This film does not have many holiday themes in it, but it does take place from December 20th through the New Year between 1969 and 1970, which is enough for me to watch it this time of year.

KISS KISS BANG BANG
This movie is a full on Christmas Film. If you haven't seen this movie and are tired of the same old Holiday fare, i recommend this action, adventure buddy detective comedy! Val Kilmer and Robert Downey Jr are incredibly funny and Michelle Monaghan is great! This is my favorite new holiday classic and have watched it every Christmas since it hit home video.

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - Lightworkers and the Archangel Michael

Mad Libs Monday - How to Enjoy Yourself on the Beach

When you go to the beach, you must take along a big blanket, a thermos bottle full of piss, lots of suntan fags, and a couple of folding sybians. Then you put on your condoms so you can get a beautiful diareah-brown to last you all summer.

You also should have a big hat to keep the sun off your horse cock. If you want exercise, you can find some shits to play volleyball with. Volleyball is America’s favorite hairless game.

You can also bring a shitty lunch, such as hard-boiled dongs, a few penis fish sandwiches with mustard, and some bottles of knuckle-cunt cola.

If you remember all of the above and get a place near a dope-ass lifeguard, you can sunbathe swimingly all day.

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - Now That's Weird

Mad Libs Monday - A Letter to a Friend Back Home

Dear Hairless Bill,
Well, here we are at the fucked Seaside Hotel in your mom's garage. The weather is shit soaked and the temperature is one degrees. Our hotel room looks out onto a garden filled with piss salad trees and tropical homies.

The natives are all farty and spend their time blowing and riding their fucks through the streets. Most of them only speak fucking chinese, but I can communicate by making signs with my hairless gash.

The local food is really shaved. Mostly they eat skanky burritos and refried hairy coleslaw. Our hotel only costs a hundred rump-humpers a day. We are going to spend the week horning and then come home.

Wish you were here.

Ralph-

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - Money

Mad Libs Monday - Driving in the Car

Last summer for a vacation, my dad drove us to the fuck house. Our car is a 2012 sedan with three trillion doors and a hung motor. We started out at sunrise. My mom and dad spent all night shape shifting the house and ovulating the car so we could get an early start.

My dad took his golf fun bags and my mom took her tennis spunk. I took my dog, Hairless Bob. The dog and I and my little horny sister sat in the back. My dad was the driver, and as he came out of the driveway he ran into a fart and dented a tampon. My mom said, “Why don’t you pay attention and watch where you are stroking?”

After another trillion hours, we stopped to stroke at a shit covered plant. The shit covered plant was horrible, and this got my dad masterbating again.

After driving swimmingly in this manner for two days, we finally arrived here and have been having a really storied time.

The Living Daylights

Alright, now we're fucking talking!! After 12 old years of Roger Moore it is now time to kick things into high gear! Mr. Timothy "Prince Barin" Dalton is the new James Bond and he is here to kick as and take names, without raising a single eyebrow! T-Dalt is my third favorite actor in the role of 007 and this is the best of his two outings.

The Living Daylights marks the third time that the producers of the 007 films had decided to go back to Fleming's roots. The first act of the movie follows Ian Fleming's short story The Living Daylights, then expands on it into an awesome action adventure. Even though Timothy Dalton brought a tough edge to 007, the movie is still littered with awesome gadgets and stunts!

The pre title sequence is a great opening to a bond film, in which a training exercise at Gibraltar goes south and 007 is thrown into an epic battle that ends with him parachuting from a jeep. Yes, you heard me. He parachutes from a jeep!!

The Stunts in this movie are so fantastic and even though it is 22 years old, it still has my favorite end fight sequence of any 007 film. It involves Bond vs. Necros hanging from a giant cargo net that is swinging off the back of a huge airplane. It's so badass.

Everything about this movie is great. This also marks the final film scored by John Barry. He puts forth an incredible effort! The Living Daylights is my third favorite Bond film and even though it happens to be the first 007 movie i had ever seen, it is not a bias opinion. This movie ROCKS!!

This movie attempted to do what the Daniel Craig films did, as far as rebooting the franchise and bringing Fleming's Bond back to the big screen. I just don't think the good folks of 1987 were quite ready for it.

If you haven't seen this movie yet, do yourself a favor and bump it to the top of your Netflix queue and watch it!!!

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Blarg Sketchbook - "Sloth"

My friend Justin Shady has a website called THE BLARG. For the last few months he has been doing a feature called "Sketchbook". Justin sends out a key word or phrase to contributers, who use it as inspiration to show off their artistic talent. This month's phrase was "Sloth".

CHECK OUT my piece titled "Untitled" and let me know what you think!

Shitty DVD Cover of the Week - Aaron...Albeit a Sex Hero